Fertility War: Take Four
After some time off, we are headed back to wage war with the fertility monster. I have found myself, once again, nearly naked on the familiar exam table having more invasive cervical exams and ultrasounds than most women have in a lifetime. Would you judge me if I said stirrups are getting pretty dang comfortable? Just sayin...it gets easier. The exams and prods in my business, that is, not the fact I can't get pregnant.
No. That fact is as raw as ever. And that is why we're going back with hope and hearts ready for combat.
People have asked us why we didn't take a longer break from treatments, how we keep doing this emotionally and financially, and why we don't "just adopt."
First of all, we feel like now is the time to figure out if we can have a baby on our own. Yes, we are young, but the clock is ticking and if it takes another three years to get pregnant...well, that's just a long time. Our doctor has told us we are smart in getting this "taken care of early" and how lucky we are to have "time on our side." At least one thing is on our side.
We figure that the sooner we go through the treatments, the sooner we can move on to other means of becoming parents, and possibly the adoption process. We would love to adopt in the future, but we don't think jumping head first into it just because we are impatient for a baby is the right thing to do. We aren't ready to go there yet.
Contrary to popular opinion, adoption, for us, isn't the catch all to solve our problem--the thing you "just" do because so and so's husband's cousin's niece got pregnant after they adopted. There is a fair amount of grieving and acceptance to go through when having a child naturally isn't an option. Think about it: most people, at one point or another, dream of having a "little me" with her daddy's gorgeous eyes. I know I do. Every day. That is a hard dream to give up--even after years of fertility treatments and shattered hearts. So, we will keep trying to win this battle until we have exhausted our treatment options and our bank accounts. Look out you big, ugly infertility monster.
Our doctor has graciously offered us a free cycle due to some issues with our last IUI ( I won't bore you with the details). We are hoping the fourth time is the charm.
The consultation with our doctor was helpful. She probably didn't think so because I was on the verge of tears through the whole conversation. She is making some changes to my medications and I am overjoyed that I can flush Clomid down the toilet. Seriously, I think that crap was personally concocted by the devil. Anyway, enough with the Clomid rant. I am now taking Femara and doing twice as many Bravelle injections.
So far, Femara has been a much nicer pill as far as the side effects go. The sniffling, manic, crazy lady appears much less than she did with Clomid in the system. (If you have tried Clomid, first of all, I'm sorry. Second, ask your doctor about Femara). I know I sound like a drug rep or a cheesy infomercial, but fertility treatments as hard enough without packing on horrendous side effects from medications. Okay, now I'm done with the rant. Promise.
Since our doctor was changing up things, we started researching thing we could change personally to increase our chances at a successful insemination. We have never had much faith in "alternative medicine," but we are pulling out all the stops with this cycle. We are doing all we can, crazy as it may seem to help our chances. I have been taking a plant based pre-natal vitamin, having acupuncture done weekly, downing cough syrup to thin out the hostile cervical mucous, sipping fertility blend teas, and focusing on having a "positive energy" about the whole experience.
For those of you who know me are probably scoffing at this, remembering all the times I rolled my eyes at "alternative crap" and told you, "to heck with essential oil...here's an Excedrin for that headache." I am surprised myself. Believe me, I never thought I would pay someone to "cleanse my aura" or "adjust the angle of my uterus" by stabbing me with needles. And before this, I wouldn't be caught dead with oils, teas, and candles strewn about my house to heal our ailment. But we want this to work so badly I would eat pigs feet slathered in horse radish if some guru said it would increase the chance of a timely fertilization.
I don't know if all this stuff will help, but we are longing for a child. I ache for the experience of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. I crave the chance to experience the joys and challenges of parenthood with Ben. I can't wait to see him be a father; he will be so incredible. And I hope our child looks like him.
My most recent follicle check showed three beautiful, plump eggs on my left side. My left ovary is cystic, so the fact that any eggs grew is a miracle. It's interesting how egg growth and elevated sperm counts are small miracles when it comes to infertility. The number and size of the follicles is encouraging. Hopefully, the little sperm dudes can find at least one of them and fertilize away.
We went in for our fourth round of IUI today. If you could find it in your heart, please pray for us and maybe my uterus. We are pleading for courage, understanding, and strength. We have really done all we can and it's up to the Lord now. Maybe with all of us praying, we'll see a miracle.
No. That fact is as raw as ever. And that is why we're going back with hope and hearts ready for combat.
People have asked us why we didn't take a longer break from treatments, how we keep doing this emotionally and financially, and why we don't "just adopt."
First of all, we feel like now is the time to figure out if we can have a baby on our own. Yes, we are young, but the clock is ticking and if it takes another three years to get pregnant...well, that's just a long time. Our doctor has told us we are smart in getting this "taken care of early" and how lucky we are to have "time on our side." At least one thing is on our side.
We figure that the sooner we go through the treatments, the sooner we can move on to other means of becoming parents, and possibly the adoption process. We would love to adopt in the future, but we don't think jumping head first into it just because we are impatient for a baby is the right thing to do. We aren't ready to go there yet.
Contrary to popular opinion, adoption, for us, isn't the catch all to solve our problem--the thing you "just" do because so and so's husband's cousin's niece got pregnant after they adopted. There is a fair amount of grieving and acceptance to go through when having a child naturally isn't an option. Think about it: most people, at one point or another, dream of having a "little me" with her daddy's gorgeous eyes. I know I do. Every day. That is a hard dream to give up--even after years of fertility treatments and shattered hearts. So, we will keep trying to win this battle until we have exhausted our treatment options and our bank accounts. Look out you big, ugly infertility monster.
Our doctor has graciously offered us a free cycle due to some issues with our last IUI ( I won't bore you with the details). We are hoping the fourth time is the charm.
The consultation with our doctor was helpful. She probably didn't think so because I was on the verge of tears through the whole conversation. She is making some changes to my medications and I am overjoyed that I can flush Clomid down the toilet. Seriously, I think that crap was personally concocted by the devil. Anyway, enough with the Clomid rant. I am now taking Femara and doing twice as many Bravelle injections.
So far, Femara has been a much nicer pill as far as the side effects go. The sniffling, manic, crazy lady appears much less than she did with Clomid in the system. (If you have tried Clomid, first of all, I'm sorry. Second, ask your doctor about Femara). I know I sound like a drug rep or a cheesy infomercial, but fertility treatments as hard enough without packing on horrendous side effects from medications. Okay, now I'm done with the rant. Promise.
Since our doctor was changing up things, we started researching thing we could change personally to increase our chances at a successful insemination. We have never had much faith in "alternative medicine," but we are pulling out all the stops with this cycle. We are doing all we can, crazy as it may seem to help our chances. I have been taking a plant based pre-natal vitamin, having acupuncture done weekly, downing cough syrup to thin out the hostile cervical mucous, sipping fertility blend teas, and focusing on having a "positive energy" about the whole experience.
For those of you who know me are probably scoffing at this, remembering all the times I rolled my eyes at "alternative crap" and told you, "to heck with essential oil...here's an Excedrin for that headache." I am surprised myself. Believe me, I never thought I would pay someone to "cleanse my aura" or "adjust the angle of my uterus" by stabbing me with needles. And before this, I wouldn't be caught dead with oils, teas, and candles strewn about my house to heal our ailment. But we want this to work so badly I would eat pigs feet slathered in horse radish if some guru said it would increase the chance of a timely fertilization.
I don't know if all this stuff will help, but we are longing for a child. I ache for the experience of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood. I crave the chance to experience the joys and challenges of parenthood with Ben. I can't wait to see him be a father; he will be so incredible. And I hope our child looks like him.
My most recent follicle check showed three beautiful, plump eggs on my left side. My left ovary is cystic, so the fact that any eggs grew is a miracle. It's interesting how egg growth and elevated sperm counts are small miracles when it comes to infertility. The number and size of the follicles is encouraging. Hopefully, the little sperm dudes can find at least one of them and fertilize away.
We went in for our fourth round of IUI today. If you could find it in your heart, please pray for us and maybe my uterus. We are pleading for courage, understanding, and strength. We have really done all we can and it's up to the Lord now. Maybe with all of us praying, we'll see a miracle.
Comments
Post a Comment