Jude's Second Month and Going Back to Work
My baby boy is eight freaking weeks old! My head spins when I think about it and I can't imagine my life without Jude.
His adjusted gestational age is almost 34 weeks now and we've been working on breastfeeding. He's pretty hit and miss as far as latching goes, but that's pretty normal considering how young and little he is (3 pounds, 13 ounces now. Wahoo!).
I now understand firsthand the frustration I see parents go through at this stage of the NICU stay. Boring days are great days, but the waiting around gets old. Progress can be hard to recognize when we see him everyday. But he is so dang cute. And that we definitely see everyday.
Medically speaking, here's a snapshot of last month:
3/19: Blood transfusion.
3/20: 29 weeks.
3/22: Extubated, fourth NIPPV trial, weaned steroids.
3/25: Darbepoetin given.
3/27: 30 weeks.
4/3: 31 weeks
4/5: Changed from NIPPV to High Flow Nasal Cannula, Caffeine increased.
4/7: Weaned HFNC
4/9: Eye exam: no ROP, still immature.
4/10: 32 weeks.
4/12: Maximized Caffeine for periodic breathing.
4/13: Changed to a regular NC at 1 liter, started non-nutritive breast feeding.
4/14: Weaned NC to 1/2 liter.
4/15: Increased work of breathing. Back to HFNC 4 liters.
4/17: Tachycardic, Caffeine weaned, HFNC weaned to 3 liters. 33 weeks.
4/18: Weaned HFNC to 2 liters, Miralax started.
4/21: HFNC weaned to 1.5 liters.
I started back at work last week and oh, my gosh, it was waaaay harder than I thought it would be. The night before I went I had to work, I snuggled Jude a little longer than usual, pondering the last few weeks we had spent together.
I swaddled him and laid him in his isolette and tears flooded my face. It's like I had been numb for the past eight weeks; running on auto pilot to get myself through each day. Fleeing from mom-mode to nurse-mode in an attempt to distance myself when things got rough.
It finally donned on me, as ridiculous as it sounds, that my son was in the NICU. My baby was 2 months old and had never been home or met most of his family yet. He had been in the intensive care for eight long weeks.
My mind went to how I had naively planned to have a baby and I realized I still had a lot of grieving to do that about the normalcy that had been robbed from me. I craved to be in control; to somehow make this all be "normal."
But I realized our definition of "normal" had changed, like it or not. Only getting to hold Jude twice a day was normal. Nurses knowing my son better than I did was normal. Driving 30 minutes to see him was normal. Relying on oxygen and medications to keep Jude alive was normal.
I didn't like realizing this or accepting that it was our lot to deal with, but I'm trying.
So, I went back to work and tried to keep things as "normal" as possible for Jude. I came over a few times during the shift to say hi and pumped at the bedside. I sat in the rocker and sniffled softly as I held him for only ten minutes on a hurried lunch break and sang his song.
My tears stopped when Jude smiled at me and I felt like he understood I was doing my best--that I wanted more than anything to be with him all the time.
But neither of us are ready for that just yet. We both have a bit of growing and learning to do. And I'm ok with that.
His adjusted gestational age is almost 34 weeks now and we've been working on breastfeeding. He's pretty hit and miss as far as latching goes, but that's pretty normal considering how young and little he is (3 pounds, 13 ounces now. Wahoo!).
I now understand firsthand the frustration I see parents go through at this stage of the NICU stay. Boring days are great days, but the waiting around gets old. Progress can be hard to recognize when we see him everyday. But he is so dang cute. And that we definitely see everyday.
Medically speaking, here's a snapshot of last month:
3/19: Blood transfusion.
3/20: 29 weeks.
3/22: Extubated, fourth NIPPV trial, weaned steroids.
3/25: Darbepoetin given.
3/27: 30 weeks.
4/3: 31 weeks
4/5: Changed from NIPPV to High Flow Nasal Cannula, Caffeine increased.
4/7: Weaned HFNC
4/9: Eye exam: no ROP, still immature.
4/10: 32 weeks.
4/12: Maximized Caffeine for periodic breathing.
4/13: Changed to a regular NC at 1 liter, started non-nutritive breast feeding.
4/14: Weaned NC to 1/2 liter.
4/15: Increased work of breathing. Back to HFNC 4 liters.
4/17: Tachycardic, Caffeine weaned, HFNC weaned to 3 liters. 33 weeks.
4/18: Weaned HFNC to 2 liters, Miralax started.
4/21: HFNC weaned to 1.5 liters.
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| 4 weeks old |
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| 8 weeks old |
I swaddled him and laid him in his isolette and tears flooded my face. It's like I had been numb for the past eight weeks; running on auto pilot to get myself through each day. Fleeing from mom-mode to nurse-mode in an attempt to distance myself when things got rough.
It finally donned on me, as ridiculous as it sounds, that my son was in the NICU. My baby was 2 months old and had never been home or met most of his family yet. He had been in the intensive care for eight long weeks.
My mind went to how I had naively planned to have a baby and I realized I still had a lot of grieving to do that about the normalcy that had been robbed from me. I craved to be in control; to somehow make this all be "normal."
But I realized our definition of "normal" had changed, like it or not. Only getting to hold Jude twice a day was normal. Nurses knowing my son better than I did was normal. Driving 30 minutes to see him was normal. Relying on oxygen and medications to keep Jude alive was normal.
I didn't like realizing this or accepting that it was our lot to deal with, but I'm trying.
So, I went back to work and tried to keep things as "normal" as possible for Jude. I came over a few times during the shift to say hi and pumped at the bedside. I sat in the rocker and sniffled softly as I held him for only ten minutes on a hurried lunch break and sang his song.
My tears stopped when Jude smiled at me and I felt like he understood I was doing my best--that I wanted more than anything to be with him all the time.
But neither of us are ready for that just yet. We both have a bit of growing and learning to do. And I'm ok with that.
Aww!! He's so cute! I can't believe he's so big!
ReplyDeleteI was wondering about these 2 very things. I wondered if you still mourned the loss of your term baby or if the day to day and the fact that he is here just pushes all that away. Ive always wondered how a "NICU mom" nurse goes back to work. Too bad you cant get paid to take extra good care of that one patient. They need to pay someone it might as well be you right. Good luck with the balance. He looks so good, nice and chubby. I like reading about the little differences your NICU has than ours. Your an inspiration.
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