The Other Side

While Jude's NICU experience hasn't been all rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine, I find myself grateful to have experienced the "other side." The side of the ragged, worried, sleep deprived parent where the daily highs and lows of the NICU are barely tolerable at best. I wouldn't recommend it and never want to be here again, but I have to admit, I've learned a lot and the scars I bear from this place have changed me.

By being the parent in the rocking chair rather than the nurse starting the IV, I have been able to see the good and the bad when it comes to being a NICU nurse. I recognize the things can make a parent comfortable or those that make them want to claw faces off.

The following is a list compiled just for me so that in ten years when the pain has faded I will remember how to make a positive influence in the NICU.

I want Jude's NICU experience to mean something; to change me. It has made a mother out of me and I'm hoping it will make me a better, more compassionate nurse.

Things I want to remember:

• Believe in the baby. When Jude was born I was afraid to love him for fear of losing him. I am so grateful for those who believed in him when sadly, I could not. Recognize the capabilities of NICU babies goes far beyond their one pound bodies. 
• Holding a baby is a huge deal. Jude was two weeks old before he was stable enough to be held. Instead of him being born and placed on my chest, he was put in a incubator. So, when you help a mom hold for the first time, remember how it felt to finally have your two hearts together again. Offer to take pictures. Congratulate them. This is the moment she has been waiting months for.
• The curtain isn't a wall. Just because it's closed doesn't mean parents don't hear about the date you went on, what you had for lunch, or whatever else you're flapping your jaw about. Be mindful of your conversations and how loud you are speaking.
• Any woman who was on bed rest deserves a gold star. Chances are, while bed rest sounds appealing, it was one of the most emotionally taxing times of her life. The daily fight to stay pregnant against the odds and accepting the fact her little one will be in the NICU is commendable.
• Get out of the way and don't hover. Don't jeopardize the safety of the baby and be close by if you are needed, but try to let the mom be a mom. She only gets to touch, hold, and take care of her baby at specific times, so make it count. Don't change a diaper early if you know she'll be there because she probably looks forward to it.
• Don't you ever, ever, ever throw out breastmilk. Especially in front of the poor woman who pumped it. Yes, it can expire,  so freeze it or dispose of it discretely if you have to.
• Firsts are a big deal. First baths, bottles, diaper changes, holdings, etc are so important to parents. Don't take them away from them because it's faster or easier for you to do it.
• A hug goes a long way. You'll know when she needs one. Probably when she discharges from the hospital without her baby, when her baby gets a new serious diagnosis, or when her act of holding it together falls apart. I'm thankful for nurses who recognized these times and hugged and cried with me
• Be honest. No good comes from sugar coating the situation. She has a right to be informed and taught about what is going on.
• Silence the dang monitors when you can. I never realized how much the alarms go off, or how annoying it is until I became a parent in the NICU. I know the alarms have their place and keep the babies safe, but try to be sensitive to the noise.
• A mother doesn't always know best. I know this sounds crazy, so let me explain. As a mom, I know Jude's favorite songs, the way he likes to be swaddled, and how the right side of his face lifts more when he smiles. I am not as aware of his medical trends and needs. The question, "You're his Mom, so what do you think" drove me bonkers. Don't ignore a mother's innate, powerful instinct,  but don't be surprised if she can tell you something is different or wrong, but can't quite put her finger on it.
• Talk about your family or your life. Don't dominate the conversation, but getting to know you personally will be good for the parents. Heaven knows, a conversation about your two year old or your recent vacation is probably welcome after all the medical jargon that has been stuffed down their throats.
• Don't be afraid to grab the boob. Again, let me explain. While breastfeeding may be one of the most natural things in the world, it sure doesn't feel that way when mom and baby are trying to figure it out. Honestly, it took four hands to get Jude to latch. And that was a good day. I was grateful for those who took a "hands on" approach to help me.
• SLOW down. I know you're in a hurry and you have another baby to take care of, but for a few minutes, pretend you just have the one. Don't jerk him around or turn him too quickly because you're in a hurry. Mom and baby will feel better if they have you're undivided and deliberate attention.
• Speak calmly and softly. Excited, high pitched baby babble has its place and most likely, your voice is about as soothing as sitting on a cheese grater if you're talking that way. Most babies prefer a quiet, calm environment, so chill out. 
• If a mom acts crazy it's because she feels freaking crazy. It's hard enough to be sane after having a baby while hormones are raging, but adding a stay in intensive care is a sure fire exit to crazy town. So if a mom wigs out because you didn't put the leads under the diaper tabs or sobs uncontrollably when you mentioned drawing labs on her baby, don't take it personal.  
• Be mindful of your questions.  "What can I do for you now?" will get a better response than the uncommital, "Let me know if you need anything." 
• Listen more, judge less. Every baby and family is unique and their back story may not be something you're privy to.  You will never fully know what they're going through so handle them with the kindness you'd expect for yourself.

Whelp, there's a few things I've learned. I'm so grateful Jude's awesome nurses who have been such stellar examples to me. Jude and I thank you!