Infertility. I haven't missed you.
Logic says trying for a second child and failing shouldn't hurt as much because you've already got one, right? Wrong. So wrong.
We wanted to get pregnant months ago. To this day, I have been on birth control about a month of our almost seven years together. Despite our best and most creative methods at home, the dream is once again out of reach.
We will head back to our infertility friends in a few months to hand over our savings and undergo the sterile, and oh, so medical process for the Szabo's to make a baby.
Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't decent, kind, and may I say, good looking people have babies?
Please don't misinterpret this baby-hungry-rant to think I don't fiercely love my firstborn and the journey we have had together. I don't spend my days pining for another child. But I see the need for Jude to have a sibling and for my heart to burst at another toothy smile. I just know, like most women in the infertility realm, timing is everything.
I would just like to be normal. I want to experience a text book, fairy tale, what to expect when you're expecting pregnancy.
What I wouldn't give to wake up one morning a few weeks late, discover I'm pregnant, and rush to tell Ben in some creative, cheesy way. What I wouldn't give for a few more weeks of feeling a baby move inside me. What I wouldn't give to wear maternity clothes and get stretch marks. What I wouldn't give to waddle around, swollen ankles and all and nest for a new baby.What I wouldn't give to have a round, bowling ball belly full of healthy child and hope.
But first, to actually get pregnant--which in and of it's self is a terrifying and maybe impossible endeavor. I hate that nagging voice in the back of my mind that sneers, "You'll never carry a child again. Remember what happened last time? You're broken"
This is our lot and it feels as heartbreaking as the first time. We will try. We will try to trust the Lord and his timing.
We wanted to get pregnant months ago. To this day, I have been on birth control about a month of our almost seven years together. Despite our best and most creative methods at home, the dream is once again out of reach.
We will head back to our infertility friends in a few months to hand over our savings and undergo the sterile, and oh, so medical process for the Szabo's to make a baby.
Why does this have to be so hard? Why can't decent, kind, and may I say, good looking people have babies?
Please don't misinterpret this baby-hungry-rant to think I don't fiercely love my firstborn and the journey we have had together. I don't spend my days pining for another child. But I see the need for Jude to have a sibling and for my heart to burst at another toothy smile. I just know, like most women in the infertility realm, timing is everything.
I would just like to be normal. I want to experience a text book, fairy tale, what to expect when you're expecting pregnancy.
What I wouldn't give to wake up one morning a few weeks late, discover I'm pregnant, and rush to tell Ben in some creative, cheesy way. What I wouldn't give for a few more weeks of feeling a baby move inside me. What I wouldn't give to wear maternity clothes and get stretch marks. What I wouldn't give to waddle around, swollen ankles and all and nest for a new baby.What I wouldn't give to have a round, bowling ball belly full of healthy child and hope.
But first, to actually get pregnant--which in and of it's self is a terrifying and maybe impossible endeavor. I hate that nagging voice in the back of my mind that sneers, "You'll never carry a child again. Remember what happened last time? You're broken"
This is our lot and it feels as heartbreaking as the first time. We will try. We will try to trust the Lord and his timing.
 |
| What I have to look forward to in a few months. |
Comments
Post a Comment