Baby Number Two
If you've read my blog over the years, you know I have been very open about my pregnancy and infertility history in the past. I think writing on this blog about all the awfulness and tidbits of light that surrounded our journey with miscarriage, infertility, and preterm birth truly helped to heal me in a way.
So why haven't I written about my current pregnancy? That's right, folks. This girl is almost 20 weeks along with baby number two. A girl. We can't believe it!
I have told myself I've been quiet this time around because I simply haven't made time to write, I'm exhausted and still puking regularly, and I spend my days either working or chasing my kid around. All of these are true, but I think the biggest reason of all is I am terrified.
I'm scared to boast of my totally spontaneous, medication and doctor free conception when so many people I know have empty arms treatment after soul-crushing treatment. I'm scared one day, the perinatologist doing my ultrasound will tell me my baby died somehow. I'm scared the medications and shots I'm taking won't help my pregnancy last longer. I'm scared to have another tiny, helpless preemie and to experience the dreaded NICU rollercoaster again. I'm scared to have others remind me my chances of a preterm birth and the complications around it are higher because I've never carried a baby full term. (I understand this risk. I'm a freaking NICU nurse and I think about it daily). I'm scared to be excited or let myself think this might work out ok. I'm scared to tell people because so many of my friends are suffering with some kind of physical, spiritual, or emotional hardship that makes my worries seem so insignificant. I'm scared my sweet Jude will be lost in the shuffle of doctors appointments, work schedules, or possibly bed rest.
So, yes, there's a lot on my mind. A lot I can't control. So many unknown and gray areas that make life frustrating at best some days. But I owe it to my girl to keep my chin up. Little Lola is rocking it and seems so much stronger than her Mama through this whole thing. I credit that to her being named after my stalwart, enduringly patient Grandma (more on that later).
We are so thrilled she is growing and progressing normally. She is active, strong, and so very loved. The doctors are thrilled with how my placenta looks and my super thick cervix. I still feel wierd getting compliments about that, but I'll take it.
So, we're just gonna hike up our positive panties and press on. All things pregnancy related are looking totally perfect, so we'll focus on that.
Welcome aboard to baby train number two! We hope it's a long, full term, fat and happy ride.
So why haven't I written about my current pregnancy? That's right, folks. This girl is almost 20 weeks along with baby number two. A girl. We can't believe it!
I'm scared to boast of my totally spontaneous, medication and doctor free conception when so many people I know have empty arms treatment after soul-crushing treatment. I'm scared one day, the perinatologist doing my ultrasound will tell me my baby died somehow. I'm scared the medications and shots I'm taking won't help my pregnancy last longer. I'm scared to have another tiny, helpless preemie and to experience the dreaded NICU rollercoaster again. I'm scared to have others remind me my chances of a preterm birth and the complications around it are higher because I've never carried a baby full term. (I understand this risk. I'm a freaking NICU nurse and I think about it daily). I'm scared to be excited or let myself think this might work out ok. I'm scared to tell people because so many of my friends are suffering with some kind of physical, spiritual, or emotional hardship that makes my worries seem so insignificant. I'm scared my sweet Jude will be lost in the shuffle of doctors appointments, work schedules, or possibly bed rest.
So, yes, there's a lot on my mind. A lot I can't control. So many unknown and gray areas that make life frustrating at best some days. But I owe it to my girl to keep my chin up. Little Lola is rocking it and seems so much stronger than her Mama through this whole thing. I credit that to her being named after my stalwart, enduringly patient Grandma (more on that later).
We are so thrilled she is growing and progressing normally. She is active, strong, and so very loved. The doctors are thrilled with how my placenta looks and my super thick cervix. I still feel wierd getting compliments about that, but I'll take it.
So, we're just gonna hike up our positive panties and press on. All things pregnancy related are looking totally perfect, so we'll focus on that.
Welcome aboard to baby train number two! We hope it's a long, full term, fat and happy ride.
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